Sep 5: The Flood - Feeling Protective

I met with my therapist yesterday for the first time since I made first contact.  For the first time in all the years I've been going to him, I actually had to write down in advance all of the different things I've been feeling.

• Protective
• Possessive
• Gratitude mixed with guilt
• Not quite jealous, and not quite threatened, but less special
• Rollercoaster of excitement, being overwhelmed, exhausted, and calm

I'm fully aware that whatever feelings I may be having, that S is having exponentially stronger feelings than I am.  She has been thrust into this without full knowledge of anything about her birth family whereas I've had a lifetime of adjust to the idea.  That being said, there are things that I'm feeling that I'm not willing to discount, and I think it's really important for me to allow myself to have these feelings.

I told S the other day that I feel protective of her.  I told her, "I know you are a grown woman, but I just can't help feeling this way."  Her response was a joking, "But you're the little sister!"

I feel like the big sister in this situation.  My therapist G said it's because families all have there own rules, and S doesn't know our rules, and since I'm her point of contact, I'm helping her understand those rules.  I can understand what that feels like, as can any person who has ever married.  When you spend a lot of time with your marriage family, it can certainly be that way.  In all honesty, it took me many years to understand the rules of my husband's family.

There are definitely issues in my immediate family.  There is a variety in the history of sibling drama which includes strong differences of theology, judgmental behavior, unsupportive behavior, and even lying.  My brothers and I were never taught how to be a family as we didn't have good role models for this, so we have done various things to cope.  Some have withdrawn and made themselves less vulnerable to being hurt by others, some have stayed in the chaos and perpetually tried to play the peacemaker and bring everyone together, and some have criticized and pointed fingers.

So, my protectiveness for S is in the fact that I want to protect her from all of this drama.   She has a fresh start, but of course, over time I'm sure much of this will come to light for her if she fully engages with this reunion.

I also want to protect her from my father, as does everyone in their own way.  But, at the end of the day what matters is that I know that if I were in her shoes, I would want to meet everyone despite their shortcomings and make my own decisions.  I've managed to be somewhat objective in the sibling drama, but I'm emotionally tied to it.  She can be much more objective about it, so she has this opportunity to engage and see through a different lens, and perhaps eventually she will help us have some perspective.