Sept 21: We're Off to See the Wizard

Early on in our getting to know each other, S had mentioned to me that she and her 2 besties get together once a month for a ladies day.  They had been planning to go see The Wizard of Oz since it was being released on the big screen in 3D.  S asked me if I'd be interested (she would need to check with her friends of course).  I said I would, and asked if so, would it also be ok if I brought a friend?  You see, while making these plans S and I still had not met each other yet in person.  I was nervous enough about meeting her, let alone breaking into her group of friends!

So, 2 weeks after meeting in person, we went out to the movie and then to dinner.  Fortunately, no one grilled me, and vice versa.  It was a lighthearted hangout, and we had a nice time.  When her friend H met me, the first words out of her mouth were, "I can definitely see the resemblance."

So, less than a month after first contact, I got to see my sister twice.

Sep 8: Meeting in Person

I had started to keep a blog about this when it started, but I think I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't really process what was going on. 

I met S in person on Sunday, September 8, a mere 2 weeks and 2 days after our first contact.  Our eldest brother CF joined us for the meeting.  It seemed appropriate since he remembered when she was given up for adoption the clearest out of the 5 brothers.  He was 11 years old.

So, S had suggested a Mexican restaurant to meet at near where CF lives.  S doesn't live terribly far from CF.  CF and I, in our type A ways, got there fairly early- he even earlier than I.  When I arrived he said that is appeared that the restaurant was closed! 

When S arrived on time, I gave her a hug, as did CF.  It was nice to have the distraction of trying to find another restaurant to go to.  We hemmed and hawed, and finally decided to go to another restaurant.  S and I left our cars in the parking lot, hopped in CF's car, and headed over.

We had a nice meal with some nervous energy.  The conversation was light, and it seemed we all had difficulty looking at each other.  S was definitely one of us, and although she favored my father more, and I my mother more, we definitely looked like sisters.

It was a hot day, so we decided to go get ice cream next.  We sat outside baking in the sun eating our ice cream and giggling about random things.  S kept hugging me.  It was a happy day, and we were having a good time getting to know each other.

Afterwards, we made one last stop at CF's house so that S could meet his son CN.  We spent some time there looking at pictures which was probably a bit overwhelming in hindsight, but hey, there are not many rules on how to navigate these types of reunions for siblings.

We ended the day on the porch chatting.  It was a long day, and I think we had spent about 8 hours together or thereabouts.  I finally said it was time for me to go, and we parted ways.

Sep 5: The Flood - Feeling Protective

I met with my therapist yesterday for the first time since I made first contact.  For the first time in all the years I've been going to him, I actually had to write down in advance all of the different things I've been feeling.

• Protective
• Possessive
• Gratitude mixed with guilt
• Not quite jealous, and not quite threatened, but less special
• Rollercoaster of excitement, being overwhelmed, exhausted, and calm

I'm fully aware that whatever feelings I may be having, that S is having exponentially stronger feelings than I am.  She has been thrust into this without full knowledge of anything about her birth family whereas I've had a lifetime of adjust to the idea.  That being said, there are things that I'm feeling that I'm not willing to discount, and I think it's really important for me to allow myself to have these feelings.

I told S the other day that I feel protective of her.  I told her, "I know you are a grown woman, but I just can't help feeling this way."  Her response was a joking, "But you're the little sister!"

I feel like the big sister in this situation.  My therapist G said it's because families all have there own rules, and S doesn't know our rules, and since I'm her point of contact, I'm helping her understand those rules.  I can understand what that feels like, as can any person who has ever married.  When you spend a lot of time with your marriage family, it can certainly be that way.  In all honesty, it took me many years to understand the rules of my husband's family.

There are definitely issues in my immediate family.  There is a variety in the history of sibling drama which includes strong differences of theology, judgmental behavior, unsupportive behavior, and even lying.  My brothers and I were never taught how to be a family as we didn't have good role models for this, so we have done various things to cope.  Some have withdrawn and made themselves less vulnerable to being hurt by others, some have stayed in the chaos and perpetually tried to play the peacemaker and bring everyone together, and some have criticized and pointed fingers.

So, my protectiveness for S is in the fact that I want to protect her from all of this drama.   She has a fresh start, but of course, over time I'm sure much of this will come to light for her if she fully engages with this reunion.

I also want to protect her from my father, as does everyone in their own way.  But, at the end of the day what matters is that I know that if I were in her shoes, I would want to meet everyone despite their shortcomings and make my own decisions.  I've managed to be somewhat objective in the sibling drama, but I'm emotionally tied to it.  She can be much more objective about it, so she has this opportunity to engage and see through a different lens, and perhaps eventually she will help us have some perspective.

August 30 : Finding My Sister

I am almost 37 years old, and I have an older sister that was given up for adoption. This is something I have known about my whole life. Honestly, I can't recall the first time I learned about it.  I sort of remember the first time I told someone, but it's a very vague memory.  Suffice it to say, I knew about T my whole life.

I have 5 older brothers, all of whom are older than T.  My oldest brother was 11 when this happened, and the next 4 brothers are about a year apart each, with a 3 year gap between brother 4 and brother 5.  T was 5 years younger than the youngest brother, and born 4 years before I was born.

Over the past 13 years I have periodically searched for her to no avail. I had a fairly thorough profile on an adoption reunion site, and I partly thought maybe when she was ready to start looking she would find me.  I knew her original birth certificate was not open, and I knew there was a form that had to be filled out by my dad in order to release it.  Maybe I'll get into it on a later blog as to why I never really pushed this.

Well, I got inspired randomly to search for her again late Thursday night on August 29.  It could be because I knew I was going to see my brothers the next day.  It could be because it was a few days away from being 8 years since my mother had passed away.  For whatever reason, it popped into my head.  That's usually how it would happen when I did the searches.

Right away I found a description that sounded very plausible: The same exact birth date, the same exact county, a somewhat accurate description of the circumstances, and a year off of the age of the birthmother. I considered whether I should send this person a message.  Honestly, I didn't mull it over that long.  I decided I should contact her as I had never had a hit before, and there was just too much overlap to dismiss it.

I sort of expected it would be a while until I heard back. The posting was over a year old, and I wasn't sure how often she logged in or if she had messages sent to her email or not. About 5 minutes or so later, or at least what felt like a very short amount of time, S responded and asked if I could IM on Skype with her. So I did, and we compared notes, and we agreed the overlaps were good and the probability was high that we were sisters. The only piece of information left to corroborate was her surrender date which I told her I would call my aunt, who had raised her for her first year of life, and ask.

The next morning I got a cheery hello on Skype from S.  We chatted a little more, shared that we were both up until 4 am.  She kept expressing how much she had always wanted a sister and how she really hoped it was me.  I was trying very hard to stay cool.  I'm a very logical person, and I don't jump into things lightly, but my gut was telling me, "This is your sister."  Then S told me one more piece of information-that she knew she was German and Russian heritage.  This was spot on.  At that moment, I felt very confident it was her, and I knew that if somehow the surrender date didn't corroborate, that someone would have had their info wrong.  I just couldn't see how it couldn't be her.

It took a few hours of calling until I reached Aunt R, but when I did, at first I told her I was updating my profile to find T and needed more info.  I asked her what the surrender date was, and she told me how she has had that date forever burned into her mind.  It was the right date.  After she confirmed this, I asked her if she could keep a secret and told her.  She was ecstatic as she and her husband had raised T for the first year of her life.  

But this next place was where it really felt real.  When I had been chatting with S, I had asked her if she had any photographs that were given to her family when she was adopted.  She told me there was a photo of her holding a toy giraffe she thought.  I asked Aunt R about the photo, and she emphatically exclaimed, "Oh no!  That was a horse!  That was my daughter M's and T would carry it around with her all the time!"  I suppose there was just something about a special detail like that-not a fact or figure, but a personal detail.  This was really happening.

I got off the phone with Aunt R and im'd S again.  "Are you sitting down?" I typed.  "I just talked to Aunt R, and your surrender date is the same.  And it's not a giraffe you're holding, it's a horse."  S was very excited, we agreed to talk on the phone a while later, and she said she needed to call her mom.

Coincidentally at this time, I was at my brother's house spending time with my sister-in-law and great nephews, but I couldn't tell her, and I just came off as acting sort of weird.  I told her I had to leave to make an important phone call, and she thought it was weird, but I wanted to tell my brothers first.

After a while I finally talked to S for about an hour a little while later, and we realized that we sounded similar and laughed almost exactly alike, and there was A LOT of laughing, much of it nervous, going on.  S has since told me that she also chortles, something she picked up from her mom. 

Not too long after we got off the phone, I drove over to another brother's house where we were getting together. 

 I was bursting at the seams to tell them. I got there a little early and basically just blurted it out. It was a very joyous and emotional time, and S had asked if we could call her on speaker phone which we did. We talked to her for over 2 1/2 hours.

Today is September 4, so it's the 6th day after confirming S is our sister.  I've been reading some stuff about how to deal with adoption reunions. They all call this the honeymoon period, and I can understand why. S is excited and overwhelmed as are we.  She has talked to all of the siblings now, but not our father.  I told her if/when she's ready, we can do that on a 3 way call if it will help her.  My dad knows, and he's waiting for her to make the call.  We have plans to meet with just me, her, and my eldest brother. 

I'm trying to make this about her as much as I can, trying to consistently check in with what her needs are in this situation and unchartered territory. But wow, I've been on a roller coaster of emotions, and I'm pretty exhausted.

But, hey . . . I have a sister now.